Thursday, February 19, 2009

Trophy Wife

Good News!
vh1 took some of my ideas, combined them, and made them their own!
Most notably, they've combined my ideas of "I Love Nudity," "Venereal Disease," "I Love Fake Tits," and my personal favorite, "Future Domestic Abuse Charges" to make a beautiful new masterpiece, called Trophy Wife.

According to Wikipedia (and I'd assume vh1)
"Trophy Wife is a reality television show in which Megan Hauserman has wealthy single men compete for her love. The show originated from a comment made by Hauserman during an episode of Rock of Love: Charm School, in which she stated that she ideally would like to become a 'Trophy Wife'.
In the casting process of this series, VH1 asks for single men with a net worth of over $1,000,000."

Does everyone remember Megan? Least notably, the winner of Beauty and the Geek season 3.
Most notably, the conniving bitch from "Rock of Love," "Charm School," and "I Love Money." A precocious, unnerving swine, she managed to not only cause Sharon Osborne to beat the shit out of her, but proved to America that what she lacked in intelligence, she made up for in seething Machiavellianism. Apparently, the only book she's ever managed to read was "The Art of War." The absolute clone of Regina George, Megan has now swindled vh1 into providing her what I'm sure was Betty Friedan's dream for all females to become - nothing more than an object. (Betty Friedan wrote The Feminine Mystique - look it up.)

They say that a Golddigger is like a Prostitute, only Smarter.
Megan, I think you've disproved this theory.
You go, Megan Tits (I mean Hauserman... no, I mean Tits.) You go and become what you've always wanted to be - a street whore. It's clearly all you understand;
Hot Body = Big Money
I hope you feel fulfilled. I really, truly, deep down hope that you feel you have a purpose. Clearly, I am just jealous that I did not think of it first. Clearly, if I had the body that you have, I would want to be someone's money-based arm candy as well.
I will stop judging you now, Megan Tits, because you have proven that despite your dumb, dumb appearance, you are, indeed smarter than any of us.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The Real World - February 18th

Alex's Take

Leave the mice alone! they don't deserve that! They're the most adorable things. These boys are just evil. J.D., the psych major, should know better.
R.I.P. Vampire, September 2006-November 2008 <3
(I miss my lab rat.)

Okay, so I guess we have to talk about Devyn.
God, I hate her.

She flirted with Scott like no one has ever flirted with anyone. She made a BFFometer.
She has a fiancee, and another boyfriend.
So I guess I'm done with Devyn. I mean... I've been done with her forever. But now I'm extra done. She's a dumb, vapid bitch who isn't allowed to be wrong. How charming.
I feel like someone needs to sit her down, and in that same condescending speech pattern, explain to her that dating multiple men is cheating. What a vapid hoe. It's about time people call her on her shit. Fuckin'... jeeze. I don't understand this shit. She can date thirty-two men, but I can't date one? Fuckin' retahded. I love that it took him calling her "sugarbutt" to get her to realize the problem of dating many men.
She needs to let go of her past with david, though. He's great now, and that's what truly matters.

[side note:]
Who decided to name their school "UTI"? did no one tell them this was a bad idea?

(back to "reality")

God, there's another half hour left? I'm scared.

I really wanted Devyn to suck it up and come out with that rat on her shoulder - "hey guys, look what I found!!!"
If they'd put a tarantula say, in a little cage next to my bed (since they're actually a little dangerous) I would suck it up and come out with the box of spider saying "Oh my God guys, look what I found!!! Isn't it neat! It was under my bed, roaming around! Good thing this empty box was in my room. I'm gonna name him "bitey"!
Because who doesn't love a good mindfuck.
Good thing Devyn lives in her own fantasy realm. It works for her, really. Really. I'm actually jealous.

The Real World - February 11th

Alex's Take
Sorry I'm a week late on this.

Okay, so the deal with Katelynn being trans...
I don't very much care that she walks around in her underwear. She looks like a chick. I guarantee her vagina looks better than most people's. I respect that Katelynn wants to walk around not wearing many clothes. She's wearing just as much as Devyn wears every morning. So basically, what the eff ever. ANY single one of these shots, camera angles, etc. are only being criticized because she's trans. If she was born a woman and maybe a little better in the face, there'd be no criticism. At all.
I mean, when I got my new laptop, I showed it off. She got a new EVERYTHING. I give the woman some respect.
I kinda want katelynn and scott to get together. I'd be so happy.

Aww, how cute. Guy weekend. Matt and I have those, just less... gay. I mean... we miss the girls when they're gone. This is just fragrantly homosexual.
They had a photoshoot and jumped on rocks. I mean... they were there to see Ryan's hometown and have fun, right?
...wait. wasn't there something about aids in there?
Nope. Just the boys hanging out and having sex with each other.
I mean being boys.

You know what I've notice about everyone this season?
Everyone is the least favorite part of every sterotype.
Scott is the dumb model who doesn't know how to pick up girls without showing off his body.
Katelynn is the slutty trans girl.
Chet is the obnoxious mormon that thinks he's "cool," who really comes off as an intensely homosexual asshole.
Ryan is the whiny, hypocritical, vaguely homosexual army vet.
Baya is the dumb dancer.
Devyn is the smart black girl who's actually intensely neurotic and combative.
Sarah is the girl who used to date girls but is now considered "straight."
J.D. is the gay guy that preaches tolerance but gets drunk and turns into a crazy, racist, condescending ass.

I love this season.

By the way:
Bringing in my psychology.
There is a (slight) difference between little boy brain and little girl brain.
Devyn means it in a condescending way.
J.D. was trying to say that there's no difference in the sense of one is not better than the other.
The brains aren't really different though. They're really not. They work the same way, they light up the same way.
However, little girls usually have a tendency to like girlier things, like dolls and pink (even when raised in a gender-neutral environment.)
Little boys have a tendency to like more mechanical things, like toy trucks (even when raised in a gender-neutral environment.)
This even applies to monkeys. How interesting!
But essentially, their brains are the same.
J.D. made a good point. How dare she undermine J.D.'s Psychology Degree and claim that, as a drop-out, she clearly knows more about psychology than he does. That bothers me. A lot. considering he's a dolphin trainer, he must have done very, very well in Behavioral Neuroscience, meaning he knows EVERYTHING about brains. Whattabitch.

Okay. Another episode is about to come on, so I'm done with this blog. Sorry it's so long, but I guess I had a lot to say this round.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Jenn's Take

I clearly need to start watching TV again. I've missed 2 weeks of Tool Academy, and I feel like my life is no longer complete. However, Alex has gotten me into watching America's Best Dance Crew, which I must say I rather enjoy, having once been a dancer myself. Although I did ballet and look like a complete retard on crack when I do hip-hop, but we're going to overlook that point.

However, despite being far too busy with schoolwork (or passed out asleep) to actually tune into Tool Academy, I am happy to say that I have discussed it's awesomeness enough to coerce others into joining our Tool Academy fan-base.

Hope you enjoyed my take on.....myself.

Monday, February 16, 2009

I Love Money 2 - February 16th

Alex's Take

Is this I Love Love Triangles?
...I would watch that.
Legit. We should make that a show.
As a matter of fact, here's some ideas for new vh! shows.
"Stripper Love."
"I Love Slappin' Hoes."
"My New Acquaintance."
"I Love Binge Drinking."
"Best Sidereal Month Ever."
"I Love Nudity."
"Buckwild Lovin'."
"The Worlds Most One-Sided Fist Fights."
"I Love Bangin' Strippers."
"One More Drink."
"Venereal Disease."
"Future Domestic Abuse Charges."
"I Love Working Out."
"Anger Management."
"I Love Fake Tits."
"For the Love of Ray Charles."
"Is it Herpes?"
"A Triple Shot at Love, with The Powerpuff Girls."
"The Sideboob Hour."

Dear vh1. Please take my advice. Make every one of these shows.
...oh wait. You pretty much have. These are just code-names for all of your other shows!! But really. You could take my ideas to the bank. To the bank.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Tool Academy (February 15th)

Alex's Take

So this week, I've got a busted shoulder.
We're pretty sure it's an injured rotator cuff.

I'm essentially going to be writing this as I watch the episode. It's so much more fun that way. So feel free to watch the episode and follow along.

Ohh, romance. Ooohhhhhh romance.
I, personally, LOVE the sock puppet idea. I'm totally stealing that for when I'm a relationship therapist.


I love Josh and Ashley more than anyone has ever loved anything.


I think Aida should be with Matsuflex. Shawn is more of a dumbass than anyone ever. I hope Shawn is on I Love Money.

I still think Tommy and Krista are dumber than anything. That's why they're boring. But so sweet.

Can we talk about how much I love that they did SEX ED.
I love it. Though I totally understand Tommy being uncomfortable. I certainly would be. One thing Tommy's gotten here is class. They introduced this sex ed class because they expected the girls would have no problem with it.

I don't like the endurance challenge. Also, Shawn's a complete DICK. I'm SO done with Shawn. But when it comes to reality television, I'm very quick to write people off.

So I'm crying watching Josh and Ashley's Date. Why can't I date Josh? Though he'd have to be... more attractive?

I realized - Matsu is way too damn into this. "I don't know what I've been told, but bein' a tool is gettin' old." IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE PROGRESS, GET THE F*CK OUT! Shut up, Matsu. Legit. You're like that one guy who's a little too into the band, or the girl who's seen RENT a few too many times.

Also, Krista is a dumb ho. So is Tommy, so it balances out.
My prediction is that there's no way Josh isn't winning this.

I guess I'm talking about the drunk drama?
Okay listen. Here's the deal.
These guys are bigger shit-talkers than most girls are.
Tommy's being a bigger man now than I've ever seen him. I'm proud of dumbass.
But honestly? This drama? This is why I don't date girls.
So why are the boys acting like this? This is retarded. I'm going to join a monastery or something.
These boys just won't stop fighting.

These guys are so self centered. Everything is about them. Ryan wants Tommy to fight... which gets him sent home. Fighting is not hot. Shawn gets jealous when people get some extra help - because clearly, extra therapy is cheating. Because, ya know, it's just like taking steroids before a race. (It's really more like taking steroids before a math test.) None of them understand that this is not a game. This is their relationship! This is their LIFE! Can't they get it!? This is not I Love Money, this is not Dog Eat Dog. This is TOOL ACADEMY.
If these guys want to stay, they need to realize this. It is not about the hundred grand, this not about who wins, it's about salvaging a relationship. I wish they'd understand that. I mean... if Robert and Karine stay together forever, they'll have won just as much as Ashley and Josh. If Ryan wins but still hasn't won Jenna's heart, then he's really lost this.

So I'm sorry. I want the best out of these boys... but I care for none of them... aside from Josh. I want to see him take this all the way... and I know he can. Please Josh... for us?
We need this.

Monday, February 9, 2009

For The Love of Ray J - 2/9/09

Alex's Take
Okay... so... I'm starting to actually like this show.
Oh shut the eff up. It's not that bad!
Okay. It's terrible.
But I like Ray J. Yeah, he's nasty and shih... but at the same time, he's just snugglin' all up ons these girls, and I think he genuinely likes these girls. I mean... I know I do. Kinda. Okay, I love Chardonnay more than I should. She's like... a classy slut. Like my friend May*. Yeah, she's hot and knows it... but she's still real, and smart. And has never paid for a drink (except for mine, of course.)
And the drama is so pretty.
I'm excited for next week.

Though has anyone else seen the Kim Kardashian / Ray J sex tape?

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Tool Academy- Sunday 08 Feb

Claudia's Take:
I'll let Matt and Alex do the better rants against lie detectors (and Jenn do whatever she wants) as I know they are better informed. I know that the success rate is around 60%, while "chance" is basically 50% isn't it? And that the Supreme Court,who can't be bothered with trivial things, took their time to say polygraph lie detector tests are unreliable.Personally I would like to take one just to see what it was like, but I think actually taking one that mattered (for the first time ever, too), for something like my prison sentence or my boyfriend's trust- I would be way too nervous about being hooked up to a machine and wondering how it would come out, that my physiological signals would be all over the place.
Shawn and Aida are meant for each other. Like Margot and Mega (Does he even have a real name?) who were both loudmouth sorta-tools that didn't really seem to want to be there, even though they signed up for it; Shawn and Aida are both seem to me one-sided and a bit shallow, with really bad hair. They do seem like a good match though, you know?
The therapist sort of reminds me of Victoria Stillwell on "It's Me or The Dog" on Animal Planet. They are both brunette Brits helping people who can't deal with their own problems. She sometimes looks at them like... aww... aren't you cute cause you don't know what you're saying..HEY WAIT don't eat out of the garbage!
Tommy's face during the test- that little douchey smirk- looks like he's either confident he passed the lie detector test or confident he escaped and tricked the lie detetcor test.

so yay tattoos! but what if you get kicked off right away? What about ROB IN THE HOSPITAL? what about when your girlfriend dumps you anyways when you're kicked off the show? are you going to go out with these tools later on in your lives, go out to bars and be douchey? and the music in the background? "I don't want your nine to five, I just want to live my life"? Now,maybe sitting back and just settling for a boring nine to five because someone else tells you is immature becauseyou aren't finding yourself, you aren't taking chances, you aren't challenging your self, you're going with what's known and safe.
But also, you aren't GETTING A GODDAMN STABLE JOB.

As for Karine and Rob, they always seemed like the most adult here. If Rob failed the test and was so freaked out HE FAINTED I mean he probably does regret it, huh? But yeah, Karine, maybe the show is too much for you all. Maybe you need to pull a Margot and be a strong angry black woman and just piss of showexecutives and the ever-patient therapist (it's her job to be patient with you right?)."Not the way I wanted to go out." Well either you won and worked on your relationship or you go off because Rob's just a anxiety-riddled tool. I guess you can be proud of leaving on your own terms.

I would have already failed this show not because my boyfriend is a tool, or because I'm a tool, but because I'm a wuss. I trust my boyfriend. I don't trust polygraph detector tests. I don't like being blindfolded. When someone says "close your eyes and take a deep breath" I don't even close my eyes. It makes me so nervous all that relaxing deep breathing is worthless.
Ashley already had trouble breathing in the last challenge, and she gave up. Although I'm glad she didn't give up last time,I can't help but be disappointed in her. Of course her BREAKING DOWN AND CRYING without even trying the snakes didn't help. This is a TV show. They're not going to actually poison you. It's not a real bomb. It's not even real life. It's reality TV.

I didn't like the tattoos at first. Then they didn't bother me. I mean, yay them. whatever. I do think it's quite HI-larious that out of four girls, one didn't like it and the other was glad her guy -didn't- get one.
All serious and happiness for mending couples and better people (I mean, really, they're trying to be better people right?Well the guys anyways), I get a little grossed out every time I see the commercials that pop up twice a break for "For the Love of Ray J". Some of these girls should be on that. I mean DAYUM. calm the shit down and become better person so you and your newly improved menactually deserve each other.Matt thought Shawn was going home, as Tommy didn't get the tattoo and didn't have much of a lie on the test.I wasn't sure: Shawn and Aida was so much drama, and shawn is just so... dumb. Tommy, however, I thought he'd have to go home-He didn't have any more space on his half-suit jacket! Krista didn't looked relieved to hear that that they were staying. Maybe they edited it out, but she shot a glance at the othergirls that she was startin' shit with. Indicator of self-absorbency? I think so. I don't like her because I think her face is too angular, I think she's toothy, I think she's mean, and one of my best friends is named Krista, so she just annoys me as I think she doesn't deserve that name.

I'm pretty self-absorbed too I suppose. But so self-absorbed that I think I'm too cool for that.
Actually now I really want to be on a show just so you all can judge the shit out of me.
I wouldn't even be true to myself. I would be BATSHIT CA-RAZY.

Alex's Take

Okay, so as I'm writing this, I hurt.
Along with heavy physical pain, I've also got a huge headache, and I'm too tired to go pee.
So I'm not terribly happy.
My thoughts here will be scattered, but angry.
Try to keep up.

Ha. Ha.
Ha. Ha. Ha.

Okay, so let's talk.
Can we do that? Okay.
As a psychologist, Trina should know damn well that Lie Detector tests don't work. They can be beaten, and they can have false positives. Neither of these are productive for this kind of a situation. God, they're not even admissible in court.

Okay. Sorry about that. Won't happen again.
Okay, I don't promise that.
I hurt. Really badly.
This is how much I love you guys. I will blog through this hurt.

So general consensus is that Josh and Ashley P. (Tiny Tool and the Fat Girl) are going to win this. I love them... she's the opposite of the kind of girl a guy like him should be with... yet he loves her so much. I love them. I mean... no one would have thought someone from Tom's River would have done this well. Nonetheless, they're doing well
Matsu is no longer my favorite. While articulate and intelligent(?), he's still kind of... dumb? Annoying?
And really... Tool Academy Tats?
Honestly? This was the smartest Tommy has ever been.

Rob looks like the dumbest motherfuck. You know he's been hit in the damn head too many times. I'm going to miss him though. Primarily because I like Karine. It's sad to see her go. I could care less for Rob. Karine was pretty. In a drag-queen sorta way.

"Watch out for the snake"
"WHAT the FUCK???"

aaaaand another win for matsu. I guarantee you he was the kid in gym class that took everything seriously. As a matter of fact, Gym was his favorite mother-fucking class. GOD I hated that kid.

Before I talk about the girl drama / elimination, I'd like to mention that I'm 99% sure that they dub Trina. A lot.

Okay. Girl Drama.
"Family does not talk about each other behind their backs."
Has Jenna ever met a family? That's all they Goddamn do!
Though as often as I talk about how dumb Tommy is (go ahead and read past posts. It's True.) His girlfriend...? Equally as dumb! Which is fine, they're allowed. But legit... they're goddamn dumb. I'm glad they cleaned up though.

Okay. Elimination.
Shawn is outright rude. Tommy may still think he's on Mr. Awesome, but Shawn is straight up mean to Aida, and she doesn't deserve that. I'm glad that they retained the men. But god, they're all so dumb.
1... 2... 3... PROGRESS!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

ABDC Week 4

The Whack Track Challenge.

Alex's Take
Okay so for straight up, I want to do a little venting about this show here.
Domenic (D-Trix) and Hokuto (aka Hawk) were contestants on So You Think You Can Dance, and the guy from Dynamic Edition and Quest have both performed on SYTYCD.
That's not fucking fair.

I want to root for Quest, but TWO of them are already famous, and they've been on all the shows. The guy from Dynamic Edition just performed on the finale...
so Dynamic Edition is my favorite. I love them.
Problem is, they've been really weak the past couple weeks.
When they performed stronger last week... I'm sorry, that was whack. Like... that was damn cheezy. Granted, they had to perform to Stronger, which is basically a gay club anthem.
Then this week, Achey Breaky heart just wasn't doing it for me. There was NO hip hop.

Then again... this week's challenge was fuckin' whacker than the songs they chose. This episode is shitty for entertainment value. I mean, when you're working with The Macarena and Everybody Dance Now, you're no longer letting the group choreograph a routine they can be proud of. They will never do the routine ever again... not on purpose at least. And most of us spent the early part of the millenium trying to forget Pretty Fly for a White Guy.
I mean... last week's challenge was fly! Aside from my brit-flavored guilty pleasure, they were actually all dance songs. That's the trick, to use dance songs. GOOD dance songs. Not fuckin' achey breaky heart. They couldn't have used something a little less whack? I felt like I was at a god damned trailer park wedding.

I understand why Quest is on the show though... they're really good. I actually love all of the crews on the show this season. ...except for Circus Freaks... but I hated the crunchy noises. God, I can't even listen to someone eat some pretzels, let alone faux-bone-breaking.

But hey... I promise that every other week, I'll be tearing up the judges. TEARING THEM UP SO HARD.
...but somehow, I agree with them tonight. I promise I won't be this nice for long.
Sorry 'bout that. Don't get too used to me being nice.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

The Real World - February 4th

The Real World - February 4th

Alex's Take

a) This prank war is becoming the dumbest thing in the world. How fucking hypocritical! JD hates pranks being played on him, but he's one of the biggest prankstahs in the house. Ryan can dish it but has no idea how to take it.
b) Is this the first time that Abs has talked? Like... I don't even know him by anything other than his abs. Is it Josh? Caleb? Muscles? I'll just call him Muscles. But now he won't shut the eff up!
d) Okay, Ryan has PTSD. But I love that he assumes that no one gets it... Devyn, while being batshit crazy, is a smart girl. Baya is smart-ish. I'll bet Kaitlynn has an idea or two. Muscles... Chet... JD... okay maybe notsomuch... But I'll bet tattoo girl knows everything about it, since she's going for an art therapy degree and they do a lot of art therapy with PTSD victims. I do really respect him for what he's gone through. Though I don't support the war, I support the troops til the end. I just want them home, safe, with us. I'm glad that Ryan and his buddy are home safe.
e) So I love Muscles/Scott. He's... from Bahston. From now on, whenever I'm talking about the real world, I'll occasionally throw in a Bahston accent, just because I love him. I also love that he's totally into black girls. I'd let him "do a lot of listening to" me.
f) Devyn is crazy. She's batshit crazy. She's fuckin' rude, too. Normal people don't need goddamn bffometers. At this point, Muscles has got to hate Devyn at this point, because she basically harasses him at all times. Not surprised he picked Baya as a cuddle-buddy vs. the other Devyn.

As much as it seems I want to punch The Real World in every genital it owns, I do love this show, and the entire cast. EXCEPT FOR CHET. HE CAN DIE IN A FIRE.


Matthew's Take:

Oh deary dear dear dear. I have a terrible time with the Real World line of shows.

Perhaps it is because there is a lack of a 'goal', or that there are no eliminations to speak of (baring death, dismemberment, or disembowelment). I always have a terrible time recalling any of their names. It's not a competition, like many other shows of it's ilk; it is 'life', albeit life wrapped up in a glistening bubble wrap gloss, where everyone is Gorgeous, and everyone lives in The House I Will Never Be Able To Afford. Should they bond, then their lives are even more picturesque. Certainly, they never have to worry about mortgage payments, or the housing crisis, or the Meltdown Of The World Economy.

Instead, we have Chet all in a tizzy about whether or not he'll be meeting up with Pete Wentz for a cafe/pub style interview. Or Scott needing to ensure he packs both black and white pairs or underwear for his photo shoot.

Also, Scotty. Dearest sir, why do you phrase one of the most essential points of interpersonal relations as 'putting the listening on her'? The 'her' in this case being his revolving carousel of women? Listening isn't a 'playa style', or going through the motions of following a mental script of 'hey, this is where I am supposed to courtesy laugh'. These are human beings you infantile-yet-hard-chiseled boy of a man. Conversation is about give and take, a running contribution from all parties involved in it, not waiting for your turn to speak, You Tool.

Also...what's-your-face, because I'm not even going to dignify your existence with a proper noun, but the one responsible for spraying the shaving cream into the Iraq Veteran while he THINK he MIGHT have SOME ISSUES with being STARTLED AWAKE by UNKNOWN THINGS!?!?

You are the fetid pus stained scum on the underbelly of the roadkill on I-95.

Double Shot at Love - FINALE


Alex's Take

Did not see that coming.

Everyone knew that Trevor was supposed to be with Ricky, Rebekah with Vicky.
The opposite personalities would have been perfect.

But you know what?
With Rebekah, it was just too little, too damn late. She changed her mind like two weeks ago... after Vicky spent weeks just accepting that she wasn't going to be with Rebekah.

It's fucking ironic that Rikki's gotten everything she's wanted this whole season... yet Vicky got love in the end.

Okay, now let's talk about the One Shot Too Many special.
For starters, Rikki is a damn jealous bitch. I mean... as usual, Rikki assumed everything was going to go her way, and she threw a tantrum when it didn't. The last time I threw a tantrum like that I was six, and my mommy had to remind me that "the loudest one does not always win." She really just wanted to be a miserable sack of a person.
Yeah. So you know what?
I'm not going to say that Rikki deserved to have her heart broken because no one deserves that... but I was definitely rooting for Vikki, and I have been since the day I realized that everyone in the house was falling for Rikki (since Rikki was sending everyone else home.)
Even up to the One Shot Too Many special, Rikki was still advocating that she could pick better for Vikki than Vikki could... because that makes sense. Rikki was playing a game this whole time... Vikki just wanted someone to miss her. So you know what? Hooray for Vikki. May your days be Merry and Bright.

Monday, February 2, 2009

For the Love of Ray J

For the Love of Ray J (February 2nd)

Alex's Take.

Sorry Guys, we're just not feeling this one.

Claudia's Take.

EWWWWWWWWW ew ew ew.

Matthew's Take:

This show a mess.
A shotgun confetti shower, housing all the requisite reality show trimmings.

There’s the stylized and primped up dinners, the expensive dresswear, all kinds of crazed personalities, the trash talk, the House I’ll Never Be Able To Afford…

But the show lacks soul.
It seems to exist solely to fill a void in the network programming schedule.
That void is still there though VH1. I hope you’re aware.
There’s no contestant or personality to root for, painfully few to root against (Chardonay is the only one who comes to mind)…the whole of the cast seems bland, disinteresting, and uninspiring.

Ray J puts on a good marketing push, expressing a desire to settle down, or at least move away from being a playa. I imagine the cast here will, inevitably, fail in anything but pushing him back into that world that he expresses only desire to leave. If his own words are even to be believed, of course, and not the spreadsheet musings of some short staffed script writer. Ray J, for the love of yourself, pull the plug on this program.

Lordy knows that we'll probably pull the one connected to our own sweet little Mono-audio television for you.

I Love Money 2

I Love Money 2 (February 2nd)

Alex's Take
Okay, as of right now, I've only caught the end.
And this dumb blonde bitch is easily the dumbest motherfucker in the world. I haven't seen someone give up this easily since my ex. Tamara is the dumbest ass in the history of ever. Was she high? Seriously? They made her feel stupid? I'm pretty sure she did that her damn self. She signed up for this shit, no one forced her.
And she ended up in a closet.
What. A. Fucking. Genius.
This is the first time I'm actually proud of Leilene.
Because this is the first time that someone else is crying for no damn reason.
Though Entertainer and It come in a close second and third for the crazy.

Matthew’s Take:

After taking in both the premier and a repeat of this first episode of the season, and digesting and gestating it to the fullest extent possible without the necessity for medical assistance, I must disagree with my esteemed colleague and television watcher Alex on one small point – I’d rather have seen Tamara win against Leilene for the final spot on this first elimination night.

Yeah, she’s got a tepid fishbowl for her mental basket case, prone to ill made reflections and contorted depths of her visual field (Or depth of much of anything). But, at least she doesn’t cry.

As much.

As Leilene anyway.

I’ll take her incoherent babbling about house boats while simultaneously being deathly afraid of water over Leilene’s reverse snot shots and blubbering lip gloss.

I could make flow charts while watching the show, taking notes and making graphs of all of Tamara’s terrible inconsistencies. Perhaps, after a few episodes, I could take the scribbled notes and flowing arrows and geometry chaining them together. To shape the twists and turns of her mental gerbil farm into the pathways of some sort of modern art project I could submit to an Institution of Higher Learning for personal Gain and Profit.

But now I’ll never have That Chance.

Story of my life.

Tool Academy (February 1st)

Tool Academy (vh1)
February 1st, 2009

-Episode Highlights-
This week's challenge was Maturity.
Before the show, the boys had written what their five year plans included.

Before the Show
Matsuflex (Ryan) - ...a foam party with three bunnies. Playboy Bunnies or actual bunnies, the world may never know.
Mega - Threesomes. Lots and lots of threesomes.
Josh - A Lamborghini... with "Lambo Doors"?
Robert - Actually wanted to further his relationship with Karine, move in together, get married.
Shawn - Money. Bling. Etc.
Tommy - ...wants to be a father?

After Therapy
Matsuflex - Wants four kids with Jenna. Four.
Mega - He wants to get married... Margo not so much.
Josh - Wants to go to Art School, and will put bowling into perspective.
Robert - Same as before. Wants three or four kids.
Shawn - Plans to invest his money smarter. Mind you, he's an underwear designer.
Tommy - Wants to be a father, then get married, then get a job. ...

This week's challenge was Maturity. They had to work with their girlfriends to hunt a mastadon, gather water, and build a shelter. Mega and Margo won the challenge.

Everyone decided that Margo and Mega (or M&M) are faking it, and are just hustlers here to win money. Shawn called him out, Matsuflex... got drunk and angry... about seemingly nothing.

For the Hell of It
They made the boys learn the Alma Mater. ...this was maybe the best part of the show.

Badge Order
Josh got the first badge, followed by Robert, Tommy and Ryan.
Down to Shawn and Mega, Mega was informed that Margo was holding him back, and Mega was then released from Tool Academy.

Now for the Judgment

Alex's Take
This was basically a ridiculous episode.
For starters, I'm convinced that Tommy is borderline retarded. No one has ever fit the "Dumb Jock" stereotype better than this man. Granted, he's sweet... but he has no ambition in life. At all. I'm pretty sure I had a gym teacher or two just like him. Did anyone else catch that he considered being a "Brain Scientist"? I think he'd be better in Rock Surgery.
Secondly, I'm sure that M&M were there for the "right" reasons. Problem is that Margo doesn't love Mega. She won't say she loves him, she won't even kiss him. Unfortunately, the guys saw this as Mega bein' a hussla. And then I guess when they said "Mega", Ryan, drunk out of his mind, heard "Matsu" and assumed everyone was bagging on him. And then Matsu truly showed why he was on the show, and not because he counts from One to Three, or because he knows that "when the Matsuflex is thirsty he's gonna gather himself some water." We don't like him because he's smart... we like him because... umm... do we like him?
I can't believe the progress Josh has made this week! This Jersey boy managed to switch his brain on and pay attention to Ashley, which caused him to come in last in the challenge, but first in merit badges.
NOTE: Josh is the only one who occasionally doesn't use HAIR GEL.
Maybe the clean air around his head helped wake his brain up.
Either way, in the end, Mega won the challenge but was sent home. Irony!
Or just the fact that Margo is a big ho. She's awful. She's "a strong angry black woman and doesn't need this.' If I remember correctly, she signed her own dumb ass up for this shit. She was planning on dumping Mega from the start, she just wanted to humiliate him on national television first. When that plan backfired, she played all smooth, but lemme tell you something, they won't last past next week.

I leave you with two things:
I think all of America should get Kung Fu Hero tattoo'd above their Wangs.
Yet another job Tommy shouldn't have is singer. Granted, he committed to it... but he may just not have known better.

Claudia's Take:
Tool Academy February First

"You're not a tool,
but your girlfriend is."

Maybe then you were meant for each other?

"I'm a strong angry black woman."
Should you be so proud? As another minority, I wonder- was it so necessary to say she was black? Not that she can't take pride in that, but of course, it's not like she tried hard to be a black woman, or particulary deserved ot be a black woman. Unlike being homosexual, she didn't have to come to terms with that herself and then go to her closest friends and family to tell them, Hey, I'm a strong angry black woman and it's not your fault (In the case her family, I suppose it may be their fault, what with their undeniable genetics). I mean, should I be saying, "I'm a docile submissive filial Asian girl, and I totally deserve this"? Is it okay if someone else says "I'm a priveledged and pretty white girl, and I already have this shit"? Why is she so damn proud?

But maybe that's not so bad. They can be themselves, I suppose, and not let this reality show which is just a bunch of execs and advertisers trying to make money off some people who are trying to make money. This cesspool of sassiness, STDs and schadenfreude should not be something you get all your love from. Reality TV will not love you back.


Sunday, February 1, 2009

Who are we?

Who is Judging Reality?
Alex, a senior Psychology major who wants to take out his thesis frustration on vh1.
Claudia, a junior Biology major with a concentration in Epidemiology. You know she has some shit to say.
Matt, a junior pre-International Peace and Conflict Resolution major with a concentration in Arms Reduction. Matt happens to be banned from Denmark.
and Jenn, a junior Interior Design major who, despite seven hour classes, takes time out to judge the shit out of celebreality.

Stay posted for our recap of tonight's episode of Tool Academy!

Judging Reality: Introduction

Welcome to Judging Reality!
I, Alex (we'll come up with cool blogger names later) will be your host.
What is Judging Reality?
This is another blog where people who don't know any better judge the shit out of reality television.
And occasionally, we're just going to judge the shit out of everything else.

Also blogging will be Matt, Claudia, and Jenn, my fantastic roommates.

The Shows:
Tool Academy
Rock of Love: Bus
America's Best Dance Crew
International Superstars of Dance
Double Shot at Love

...and anything else we feel like!

So stay posted. We've just started, but expect the best.
Or else we'll judge the shit out of you.