Sunday, June 7, 2009

Fun Fact: Heidi Montag looks ferociously unattractive when she cries.

So now for a non-sytycd post.
Spencer and Heidi are now claiming that I'm a Celebrity... Get me out of Here! tortured them for attempting to leave. Heidi allegedly has stomach ulcers from... get this... being locked in a room for one day, one night, with nothing but water, beans and rice.
Other cast members allegedly say this is "the same as guantanamo bay."
Guantanamo Bay? More like Boy Scout Camp Cub Scout Camp my Freshman Year of College. Like... seriously? really?
Aside from the fact that multiple reports confirm that these two are worse than Troop Beverly Hills, I'm pretty sure that a) torture is illegal, and b) beans and rice is what mexico thrives on. Then again, I know nothing about geography or imports. Mexico is near Atlantis, right? (Look it up on google maps, I'm not wrong.)
I'm one of those people that tries to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but these two clearly couldn't even get their G.E.D. from Clown School. They are solely famous for being famous, and a complete waste of skin. Personally, I think they should donate their skin to burn victims in the hopes that one day, they can grow their own creepy flesh-colored beards.
Also, did anyone else ever notice that Spencer and Heidi look like fraternal twins?
Yay twincest!!

So I finally sat down and tried to watch I'm a Celebrity... and honestly, I couldn't take Speidi. After thirty minutes they had me screaming "get me out of here!"
Heidi's Memorable Quote: "I feel like everything's been taken from me... and not in the good way."
Spencer's Memorable Quote: "I'm too rich and famous to be cleaning up John Salley's poop."

It's really good to know that fame hasn't gone to his head, or anything. Being a rich, white, straight, god-loving, republican pothead is so fucking hard. I, personally, know exactly what it's like. Seeing as how I toke every day, go to church, and swim in my money.
(That's me over there. What you can't see is my HUGE bong shaped like a stripper on a cross.)

What I love is how completely, 100% fake they are - for starters, Heidi is listed on the credits as "Heidi Pratt"... like anyone would call her that. Secondly, they would not shut up about "ohh, my husband! Ohh, my wife!!" Nothing screams fake marriage more than talking about how married you are incessantly. What I love most was the "I mean I can't be myself around all these strangers! I can't cuddle with my husband or do wife things!" then in the confession she was all "I can't not have sex with you for that long!" Or course by this we all know that what she really was lamenting was her inability to roll a fattie on live TV.
However, what truly makes this show a blessed monument of what the inventors of television truly intened their masterpiece to exemplify was Spencer Pratt correcting the position of his testicles, saying "ahh, readjustment. Thank the Lord."

I had to stop watching. I couldn't continue because I'm not a violent person, but I was about to grab some adult diapers and drive to wherever the fucking hills are and personally skin them. I just could not take it. The worst part is that I think if Heidi had come alone, she would have lasted at least another night... but it's clear that she's become Spencer's puppet. Problem: her puppeteer has down's syndrome is teen wolf.

No comments:

Post a Comment